Blade Out, Blade In
What If Comics, True Blood, Howard the Duck, Man-Thing
Cross between Blade and True Blood
Title: Blade Out, Blood In
Disclaimer: We do not own Howard the Duck, Blade, True Blood or any other universe which may be mentioned. Only the idea belongs to us.
A/N: This was written by my boyfriend and me. We hope you like it.
Blade was sitting in a bar in Duck Key, Florida, nursing a Whiskey and Coke and looking forlorn. He had finally fulfilled his self imposed mission of ending all the vampires and was lost as to what to do now.
He looked up when a being settled itself on the chair on the other side of the table. He smiled forlornly, “Howard,” he nodded at his guest.
Howard took a deep drag from his cigar and blew a puff of smoke in Blade’s face as he ashed the cigar on the floor, “Whaaaaaaat,” he said grumpily.
Blade looked at him indifferently, “You owe me, time to pay up.”
“Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! I owe you!,” Howard spluttered around his cigar.
Blade nodded knowingly, “One. Last. Meal,” is all he said.
Howard shuddered, “That was you? You were the one who freed Kitty Pryde’s dragon Lockheed.”
“And you,”Blade said in a monotone.
“Whaddaya want,” Howard mumbled more grumpily than before.
“You’re from a different dimension,” Blade stated.
Howard glared at Blade, “Nooooooo,” he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm, “as a young Mexican pinata I was bitten by a radioactive duck!” and pressed his beak into a thin line. He then pinched the waitress’s ass as she went by. When she turned to give him a dressing down he barked, “Bring me a pitcher of draft, toots.” Her eyes grew large and she turned on her heel as she shook her head and muttered, “too much LSD,” and continued on to get the pitcher of beer.
She leaned over the bar as she gave the order, “See that customer over there,” she nodded in the direction of Blade and Howard.
The bartender nodded absently as he grabbed a pitcher and slid it under the tap, “I think he’s a duck!” the waitress continued.
The bartender looked, not really seeing what is in front of him, let alone what was further into the room and in the shadows, “Nah,” he drawled, “ain’t nothin’ over there but da shadows.”
The waitress grabbed the pitcher roughly before he could set it on the bar and said, “That’s right, we did a hit at the same time,” and sighed as she dropped the pitcher off and continued on her way.
“Thanks, doll,” Howard said before she could get out of earshot.
Howard continued to glare as he pulled the seemingly never ending cigar out of his bill and drank straight from the pitcher, slamming it down when he’d emptied it. “Whaddaya want Eric?” The gleam in his beady little eye didn’t bode well for Blade if he said anything about the name.
Blade ignored the glare and took a gulp of his whiskey and coke before answering, “Well, ducky, I want you to show me where the Nexus of all Universes is.”
Howard snorted, “What makes you think I know where it is?”
Blade smiled eerily, “I have my ways. Duck.”
“Why would you want something which might not even exist?”
“Well, Howard, do you know what I did here?”
Howard snorted but shook his feathery head as he took another drag from the cigar so Blade continued, “I killed vampires. Since I wiped them from the face of the earth, and all my friends are gone, I’d rather go somewhere where I’m needed. I’m useless here now.”
Howard stood up and put his face right up to Blade’s, wiggling his tail feathers at the giggling blond bimbo at the table behind him, “Oh boo hoo, Little Baby Blade, with your tears of blood,” he ranted as he rubbed mock tears from the corners of his eyes with his forefeathers. “You think I’m happy? You think this is the life I wanted for myself, trapped on a planet full of arrogant hairless apes? Boo freaking hoo! Not happy with your life! Think this is the life I signed up for? I’m never going to feel the touch of a duckette or hear the pitter patter of little web feet. I’m never going to feel the comfort of sitting on eggs, knowing some day soon I’m going to be a father. So boo freaking hoo little baby Blade!” Howard sniffled not very convincingly. His posture changed slightly and his voice got deeper, “What’s in it for me, Eric?”
“You want to know what’s in it for you, Howard?” Blade asked condescendingly, “Everything I leave behind. The money, the weapons, the properties, my car and,” Blade stopped and smiled disarmingly, “my little black book.”
Howard saw dollar signs when he heard money and property and there was a gleam in Howard’s little beady eye as he considered the words ‘little black book’. He turned to the bartender and quacked, “Call me a cab!” He then turned back to Blade and scoffed as he waved his wing dismissively, “Yeah, yeah,” he said aggravatedly, “I’ll take ya to the Nexus.”
The cab driver dropped them off at the entrance to the Everglades Swamp Boat rental center. Once Blade paid the driver he turned around and Howard was flirting with the rental agent. Blade growled and shook his head as he got the agent’s attention and rented a boat for the rest of the day. “Just head for the centre of the Glades, Eric.”
Blade glared hard at Howard, almost wishing he could borrow Superman’s heat vision to fricase some duck for dinner. He shook his head to clear his thoughts as he steered the boat toward what he hoped was the center. If he had fricaseed duck he might never find the Nexus.
Several hours, three cigars, two short fuses, five arguments and 17 ‘are we there yets’ later Howard started getting the calm feeling of walking into your house after being away for a long vacation; that sense of everything is right with the world.
Howard was almost smiling when he told Blade to stop the boat. “It’s close, but we need to walk from here.”
“Are you crazy” Blade growled at Howard, “The ‘Glades aren’t meant to be walked!”
Howard shrugged, “You wanna leave, ya gotta get wet.” Sick of hearing Howard’s voice, Blade shoved him overboard then looked on incredulously as the duck, duck!, started floundering in the water and gasping for air as he bobbed in the murky water. Up and down, up and down.
Sighing Blade jumped in and grabbed Howard and tossed him around onto his back, “You are a duck! Ducks swim.”
“Yeah, that’s right, I can’t swim! Ducks fly, too! Ever seen me fly?” Howard said, irate.
With a smile Blade reached back, grabbed Howard by the collar and threw him through the air so he landed on semi solid ground, “Yes,” he said with a smirk and started plodding his way through the mirk.
Howard stood there, watching and waiting, a mischievous and evil little smirk on his bill. When Blade was close enough he did his imitation of a wet dog and shook his body from head to tail feathers, spraying Blade with with swamp water.
Blade growled and lunged for the annoying fowl. “Uh uh uh,” Howard said while wagging a wing at him, “How’re ya gonna get where you wanna go if I’m not here?” Before Blade could do anything to Howard, something rose out of the swamp between them and the Nexus
The thing was a large, slow-moving humanoid creature with three dangling dreadlock like appendages hanging from its head and glowing red eyes. It was covered in mud, leaves and other refuse which managed to hide itself in the swamp and the scent coming off it belonged right where it was, in the middle of nowhere. When it reached its full height of around eight feet it stopped all movement and stood there looking at them, slowly blinking.
Howard smiled and waved, “Hi Mucky, I brought ya a friend!” He then turned to Blade and snorted at the look of incredulity on his face, “Just walk up to him slowly. Show no fear and explain that your purpose here is finished and you would like to go to another dimension where you could be useful again; then he MIGHT let you through.”
“Are you serious?” Blade asked skeptically.
Just then they heard the sound of another swamp boat getting closer. When it stopped they heard the sound of someone plodding through the mirk. The reeds parted and Blade had to do a double take. What he saw had less likelihood of being real than the Man-Thing standing in front of him. What they saw was a man wearing a red onesie with the capital letter F on it, black boots, a blue blanket tied around his throat like a cape and he had a pot on his head with two holes cut out for his eyes. He smiled at them then spoke as he pointed at each of them, “Oh look! Ducky, Mucky and Blood Sucky.” He then put his arm in the air and exclaimed, “Excelsior!” At the growl coming from Blade Forbush Man turned and ran back to his swamp boat.
Howard quacked quietly before taking his cigar out of his mouth and smelling it to make sure it wasn’t that wacky tabaccy he’d been warned about. He then nodded his head before turning around. He stopped and looked back at Blade, “Uh, I blame that on the swamp gasses. Could you throw me back to the boat?”
Blade smirked, “Gladly,” he said and picked the duck up and launched him into the air and right onto the boat..
Blade turned back around, took a deep breath and walked slowly toward the Man-Thing, stopping a few feet away. He bowed his head and told his story for the Man-Thing to judge whether he would be allowed through. He would fight for the right if he had to but that was one fight he wasn’t sure he could win.
When he heard a low rumbling sound Blade looked up and the Man-Thing had turned away from him and was gesturing toward the Nexus. Blade smiled and nodded his thanks as he plodded his way forward.
The last thing he heard before the Nexus took him was, “Bye Mucky. See ya next time!”
Blade shook his head at the duck’s words just before the darkness took him.
He came to when he landed with a hard splash in the middle of a large body of water.
He was already tired and the blood lust was just starting to make itself known so he reached for his inhaler but it wasn’t where it was supposed to be. He frantically searched his other pockets, even checking them a second time before giving up and striking out for the nearest shore.
Hours later, just as the sun was cresting the horizon he tiredly pulled himself up on shore and shambled toward the closest hiding spot, which just happened to be a transport truck with half a load on it. He climbed aboard, over and around boxes and cases until he was well hidden and fell into a deep sleep.
Blade had a rude awakening when he was slammed into a brick wall.
He woke with a vengeance and was quickly on his feet and reaching for his sword but his opponent was quicker and had him landing on his back several feet away before he had a chance to do more than reach and grunt.
Blade was aching all over from the lack of blood and all the energy he had expended before he went to sleep the night before so he wasn’t in top form but he was still managing to hold his own when he flew into a case of whatever was on the truck. He heard glass breaking and crunching under his opponent’s boots as he advanced toward Blade, murder in his eyes.
For some reason Blade felt his cuts and bruises healing themselves. Looking around there was something that looked like blood leaking through the box he had landed on. Plenty of the fluid had sprayed through the air and some had even landed in his mouth. The more substance his body took in the better he felt, yet he didn’t feel like he did when he actually drank blood, he didn’t feel the need to gorge himself. What was this strange substance which could heal him and strengthen him without the rest of the side effects?
Blade quickly got to his feet and kicked out, catching his opponent on the chin, sending him into the wall at the far end of the loading dock. He reached for his sword as he ran at top speed, intending to behead the man before he could do any more damage to him.
Before he could get there though the blond man was flying at him, faster than Blade had ever seen someone move before. Before he had a chance to raise his blade, Blade was dangling in the air from the man’s hand, the sword was knocked from his grip and he was staring face to fangs at a vampire in this new dimension.